Thursday, 22 September 2016

Dilemmas Of A 24 Year Old On A Quiet September Evening

I know how to fall in love, I just don't know how to fall in love...

That was a tweet from me earlier today as it crossed my mind that I don't think I've ever been emotionally ready for relationships (except maybe that one time) but have somehow found myself in a couple of them and left even more in an emotional mess than I entered. I've come to the conclusion that I love the idea of people more than the people themselves or maybe I've not found a way to burst out of my disney bubble of expecting things to be like the movie screen. Yeah, an ex once accused me of wanting a fairytale more than I was in touch with reality and in my defence I was still very young, of course I was chasing a fairy tale but I wonder if maybe as I grew my expectations didn't change but took on a different nature?

You're probably wondering why I'm blogging on such a personal matter. Well this is my online diary after all and it's 23:22, think of it as my way of drowning my feelings in liquor. I don't drink so this is going to have to pass as my vodka for tonight.

Is it possible that I'm searching for the right thing in all the wrong places? And what is it exactly that I can't seem to find? It eludes me. Is it love itself or acceptance or attention? I'll admit, I'm a little bit of an attention whore...

In this year alone and I mean it's just been 9 months, you won't believe the emotional rollercoaster I've been on, which is why when my friend (from previous post) said I had given enough of myself and needed to take a break, I didn't argue. But somehow, there's a part of me that doesn't want to be alone. Why? That eludes me too. Have I forgotten how to be single or have I subconsciously allowed the "marriage talk' from every mother figure get to my head?

When did it all get so complicated?

What in the world do I want?

Why in God's name did I make that call? Now I have to live up to the consequences tomorrow. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I did something that made me burn with shame like this. Wondering what I'm talking about? It's best if you don't...

Dilemmas of a 24 year old on a quiet September evening...

2 comments:

  1. LOL Bondi we all been there, but i guess our twenties are for figuring it out, finding our path and forming our lessons. I connect with you because we seem to be in the same phase of our journey almost all the time! am currently decluttering planning a train trip across nigeria and other things hoping to use the coming weeks to fall in love with me and love me enough to accept only Gods best and nothing less. p.s the book club you have to include me!

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  2. LOL Bondi we all been there, but i guess our twenties are for figuring it out, finding our path and forming our lessons. I connect with you because we seem to be in the same phase of our journey almost all the time! am currently decluttering planning a train trip across nigeria and other things hoping to use the coming weeks to fall in love with me and love me enough to accept only Gods best and nothing less. p.s the book club you have to include me!

    ReplyDelete