Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Emotionally Detached


We lay in bed in between crumpled sheets mixed with sweat and sex. The humidity in the air did nothing to cool us off after going at it like rampant rabbits. 

With our legs intertwined and my head on his chest, he stroked my back lazily. I could hear his heart beating so loud that it drowned out the horns blaring outside. We had been in this position for close to ten minutes without breaking the silence or moving. I scanned across the room at our clothes scattered everywhere in the heat of the passion. We had even knocked down a lamp, I hadn't noticed. Who could have when he had his lips on.... The thought alone got me excited. It wasn't a bad hotel room. We had become regulars here that the lady at the desk no longer gave me her disapproving look when I told her I was here to see my "uncle". Of course she saw right through the lie but I couldn't care less. 

"I have to go," he said finally, breaking the silence

"I know" I replied but I didn't move, neither did he

"I still love my wife" he said. I hadn't asked him, why feel the need to remind me? Still I replied. 

Monday, 5 May 2014

Peace


I never fully comprehended the idea behind 'closure', till this weekend. People say they need closure before they can move on and I sit there thinking, well I've been moving on just fine without it. But this past week revealed just how wrong I was.

My recent ex that I could probably say I was madly in love with (Remember Beau from past posts?), well he got back with his ex that he cheated on me with at some point. Did it hurt? Honestly, no. When I discovered what he did, a part of me already knew that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. So I started moving on from that moment even though I really, really liked him. He eventually fessed up that they were back together and I had already made my peace with it. I was actually happy for him, you know. Whatever makes him happy. It's things like this that make me realise just how much of a realist romantic I am.

Then the second guy that I liked after him, well that didn't work out but he wasn't really nice to me when we were together. And he left me with a lot of questions in my head. You know, when someone makes you question a lot of things, especially about yourself. I started thinking the fault was with me. But then I got my 'closure' this weekend from both of them especially Mr Not Nice. It wasn't till that moment that I realised it was closure because I felt this sudden peace over me. And I felt so light. I hadn't realised I had been carrying a burden. So when I walked back home later that evening after having the long talk with Mr Not Nice, I knew it wasn't the air that made me feel good. I knew it was something else, way deeper and it felt good, soo good and since then I've had a glow radiating from within.

I feel calm and at peace with myself. And I never not want to feel this way.

Yeah, this is a diary entry.
This was taken today, I choose to be Happy <3

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Burned by the Fire


Why does loving you hurt me so much?
I love you, it hurts
I loved you, you hurt me
I tried to love you as a friend and it hurt
I tried to stay away and it hurt
So I came back and it still hurts
Sometimes I feel like you forget just how much power you have
The power to hurt me
I let you in
I let myself go with you
I've been nothing but vulnerable with you
Naked in its purest form
I feel so fragile when it comes to you
And you don't even know it

234, Bring them home


Tonight I get to go to bed in my own bed, in my room. My mother is sound asleep because she knows where I am. My dad doesn't have to stay up all night worrying because he knows I'm safe. 

Unfortunately that's not something a lot of parents in the North Eastern region of Nigeria can afford. Not just the parents of the missing girls but the parents of other young girls. The growing fear that each time she goes out, she may not return. That she could just disappear. The paranoia grips your heart and drives you crazy. Is that the way to live? I can't begin to think of how disrupted everyday life must be in those areas.

And those mothers. The baby you carried in your stomach for nine months, that you've loved and cared about every day of your life. The one whose wedding you've dreamed of countless times. The one whose life you've made many sacrifices for just to see her happy. To one day have her snatched away from you. How cruel is this world? And how incompetent is our government?