Monday, 29 October 2012

You and I

Let's rewrite history, you and I
Such a beautiful story
Each page a love letter
Let's do it all over again

Don't end the chapter
There will be ups and downs
But just let the ink flow
Each page would lead to our happy ever after

We could edit it, take out the bad
It's our story to tell
It could be fiction, it could be fantasy
Whatever you want, it's a clean start

Lets rewrite history, you and I
Don't let the story come to an end
It will be such a beautiful one
I promise you this, rewrite history with me

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Sometimes...

Sometimes a girl just needs to get away
Let her hair loose and take a drive to nowhere
While the wind sifts through her hair
And she listens to music on the stereo

Sometimes a girl just needs a bath
Soothing music in the background
And scented candles around
Just because she needs to relax

Sometimes a girl just needs to cry
And let her frustration all out
Because she's tired of being
So damn strong all the time

Sometimes a girl needs to have a cheat weekend
With all the sugar and carbs in the world
And no one judging her
While she reclines in her sofa watching T.V

Sometimes a girl needs to run free
Wild into the sunset
Let her inner child come alive
Because life is too short

And most times a girl just really needs to be
Shut the world out and be...


Friday, 26 October 2012

Resentment

New found love for this song. Don't ask why.

I wish I could believe youThen I'll be alrightBut now everything they told meReally don't apply
To the way I feel insideLoving you was easy once upon a timeBut now my suspicions of you are multiplyingAnd it's all because you lied
I only give you a hard time'Cause I can't go on and pretend likeI haven't tried to forgive thisBut I'm much too full of resentment
Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt meDon't know how you gave anotherDidn't mean a thing, noThe very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive youAnd I know you've changedAs much as I wanna trust youI know it ain't the sameAnd it's all because you lied
I only give you a hard time'Cause I can't go on and pretend likeI haven't tried to forgive thisBut I'm much too full of resentment
I may never understand whyI'm doing the best that I can, and II tried and I tried to forgive thisAnd I'm much too full of resentment
I'll always remember feelingLike I was no goodLike I couldn't do it for youAnd your mistress couldAnd it's all because you lied
Loved you more than everMore than my own lifeThe best part of me I gave youYeah, I would sacrificeAnd it's all because you lied
I only give you a hard time'Cause I can't go on and pretend likeI tried and I tried to forgive thisBut I'm damn too full of resentment
I know she was attractiveBut I was here firstBeen riding with you for six yearsWhy did I deserveTo be treated this way by you, you?
I know you're probably thinkingWhat's up with B?I've been crying for too longWhat did you do to me?
I used to be so strongBut now you took my soulI'm crying, can't stop cryingCan't stop crying
You could've told me you wasn't happyI know you didn't want to hurt meLook what you've done to me nowI gotta look at her in her eyesAnd see she's had half of meHow could you lie?






Thursday, 25 October 2012

What's your life plan?

Don't you just hate people who seem to have it all figured out? Life plans and all; 5 year plans, 10 year plans and what not?

I mean I woke up this morning and I couldn't paint a picture for my future, the canvass was blank. And I have friends who know what their next move is when I don't even know what my next meal would be. So I decided to talk to le boyfriend about it and he said

"I think life is too short to be making 10 year plans. It's good to have goals and what not in life but to plan exact moments in your life is pretty difficult. Most times they don't turn out how you want them. Best to focus on the goals and take life as it comes"


So I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna take life as it comes because life is unpredictable. Your plan might say this but Life might go a different direction. It's exactly what I needed to hear. Others might have their stories already written, chapter to chapter, but really I'm not the author of my life anyways; God is. Whatever plan you may have, 5 years or 10 years it doesn't count if you're not happy.

The next time I hear a friend going on about their future plans I'm gonna tell my self in my head that I do have a life time plan and it is to be happy.

p.s if you have a plan then that's a very good thing don't go changing it to 'happy' cause of this post. If you do then you're on your own lol Kidding.

Love,
B

Power saying for today

                

Have a nice day,
B

Sunday, 21 October 2012

S&M?

So many people are in S&M relationships and they don't even realise it. It doesn't have to be the typical sub-Dom relationship with the physical pain. No

I'm talking about emotional S&M relationships. Do we enjoy putting ourselves through the emotional stress? You know he ain't right for you but you still want to stay with him. You know it's possibly not going to work but yet you're willing to fight for the one person who constantly hurts you. You keep telling yourself you're through with the pain but you find yourself going back for more. Are we just masochists for love?

Don't go searching

Why do single ladies dress up to go look for their 'prince charming'. I understand that Disney and Hollywood have marred our expectation of love and now every woman thinks there's that one prince charming out there for her.

But do we really have to go searching ourselves for him? I don't remember Snow White dressing up to go search for him, then again she was poisoned. And some of you might use Cinderella to counter argue my point but really she didn't go with the intention of getting him to fall in love with her. She just really wanted to attend the ball and have a good time for once in her life. And I guess the ending justifies my argument; he went out to search for her and he found her.

Can't we just let him find us? Why stress yourself going out to that bar just because you think you would find a potential prince charming. I mean go through that whole stress of putting on make up, wearing 5 inch heels and squeezing into a dress  one size smaller, in the hope that maybe just maybe he might be at that social event?

You always find the wrong sh*t when you go looking.
                                                                        Rihanna

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Selah; Pause and Think

The reality is that if you're really
Passionate about what you do,
Then it doesn't just start at 9
And stop at 5,
It doesn't stop on a Friday night
And come back on a Monday morning
                              Christian Louboutin







Used To

I used to have a passion,
I used to be driven,
I used to have a dream,
I used to have a future plan

But now I have no passion for anything any more. I'm losing it, I don't know what I want to do with my life :( and sometimes it scares me. Christian Louboutin once said

"The reality is that if you're really passionate about what you do, then it doesn't just start at 9 and stop at 5. It doesn't just stop on a Friday nigh and come back on a Monday morning.

And that's what I want. I don't want a job, I want a hobby, something I love doing doing but the more I think the harder it is for me to point out what it is I like. Am I sad? I'm in my final year and I'm doing a course I don't remember choosing; just coasting along life. This isn't the life I wanted and God forbid I should find myself at a desk, 40 something and rolling my eyes at the idea of another hour at that job.

I wish I could go on an Eat, Pray, Love journey just to discover myself once again. Or maybe I can, after Uni. A year away, trying to discover myself. Sounds like a plan, yes? Who's with me?

Love,
B

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Carrie's Poem

His hello was the end of her endings,


Her laugh was their first step down the aisle.


His hand would be hers to hold forever,


His forever was as simple as her smile.


He said she was what was missing,


She said instantly she knew.


She was a question to be answered,


and his answer was I do.

His Hello, Her Goodbye

His hello, her goodbye...
Goodbye to a world she no longer wanted
A world where she felt alone
Goodbye to saturday nights spent indoors
Or sunday mornings spent with her T.V

His hello, her goodbye...
To the voices in her head
Who told her she would end up lonely
Frayed, unhappy and with a cat

His hello the bridge to a new life
To a new world,
A world of new beginnings
A world full of possibilities,
A world of forever...

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Don't...

Don't say you'll call me and never do
Don't say you miss me when I never crossed your mind
Don't tell me you love me when you hardly care
Don't let me fall if you won't catch me

Don't kiss me when your mind is somewhere else
Don't ask me how I am if you don't wanna know
Don't touch me if you've been with someone else
Don't be nice to me if you're gonna hurt me

Don't say you'll be there for me when you've already planned to leave
Don't take me out deep and leave me hanging
Don't take my hand and lead me astray
Don't play with my feelings; just don't...

Frustrated...

You know when you really wanna hear from that person you like but you're waiting for them to make the first move and then they don't? Frustration...

Or when you get in an argument and you stomp all out and expect them to come back for you but they don't? Double frustration...

Most especially if you're a girl. Cause you want the whole hollywood package of him running after you  and saying he's sorry or pulling you back into a kiss when you try to walk out... hmmm but instead in reality he just lets you go and then you go days without a word.

Truth is he's living his life and you're constantly checking your phone for a text or to make sure it's not on silent or that your service is up and running. I tell you it's worse than sexual frustration.

I hate that feeling. But when you think about it why don't we girls make the first move? Who said guys always have to make the first move? I mean we're the ones who need the attention right? It sucks to be the one to humble yourself and say hi first but doesn't the wonderful conversation and possibly steamy make up outweigh the feeling of going to bed alone and upset that you didn't hear from him all day?

Dunno about you but it does for me... I get lost in the conversation that I forget who started it first...

Friday, 12 October 2012

Focused

It's a Friday night, status' being updated to T.G.I.F, bags packed for a weekend get away, girls in high heels and make up reading to dance the stress away, guys ready to 'set that P', happy hour and people drinking and chatting merrily away, cheers to the freakin' weekend right? And where am I in all this? In the library, in a study room, I have four books spread open in front of me and a stack on the other side, a drained bottle of energy drink and my notepad with scrawled notes.


I could be out with friends, I could also be at club bed, with DJ Teddy and the best bartender in town; my fridge. But I'm here, not because I'm one of those nerds but because I've got tons of work to do from case studies to presentations to my dissertation. You see I'm in my final year and I'm determined to get good grades. Most people would say they are doing it for their parents. Sadly I'm not doing it for mine. Not because I don't want to make my parents proud because trust me I do. Did I mention I'm an African? Nigerian for that matter and my father would beat me mercilessly if I fail. It's not even a coincidence that my surname is 'Bilala" often affiliated with the hausa word 'bulala' as a joke which means 'beatings' *shivers*. Oh and if I fail my father would also make me refund him all the money he has spent on my education, let's not even calculate that.

No I'm actually working my ass off for me. Because I won't be disappointing my family if I don't do good, I'll be disappointing myself the most. I know what I'm capable of and I also know that I can push myself to limits never reached, so I'll be disappointed the most knowing that I could do all that and I didn't even try as hard as I should have. Plus like the Nigerian parents say "the people who came first don't have two heads" so I know I can do this. Okay back to studying.

Laters,
B

Yes unfortunately I am losing my mind 


Sandwiches, Men and Love.

I think I probably just had the best lunch ever this year. Not cause the sandwich I was eating was scrumptiously delicious but because of the deep conversation I was having with Sarah. At first it started out as her telling me about this lady who walked up to her and told her to never leave a good man even if he cheated on her. Which of course she disagreed on. So we got into talking about men, relationships and faithfulness. And I said well maybe certain women should try harder and give their men "everything" he's looking for at home so he doesn't go looking elsewhere. Her reply and I quote; 'You can give a man the world and he would still look elsewhere'. OUCH! There goes some hope that your man wouldn't cheat on you (lol). Guess she was speaking from personal experience. But she made this comparison of men and why they cheat to women and the numerous pairs of shoes we have. She said "we don't go out to buy a new pair of shoes because the ones at home are bad, it's just cause greed". Hmmmm

Well she goes on to add that really women should be more concerned about how to react when it does happen, if it does happen and stop pretending that it won't happen. Anyways, somewhere along the line we switched from that to dating older and younger men. Personally I've never dated an older man before and it is on my bucket list because I do wanna know what it feels like. So she had the upper hand in this discussion. According to her dating an older man is safe, you don't argue and the relationship lasts longer. However the gap sort of strains your relationship because "They live off your youth and you live up to their age". She said she isn't much a fan of older guys because like it's safe and there's no fire. There isn't that wild passionate love you get with younger guys, no arguing and making up about it later. And as a young girl she doesn't want to mature that fast and miss out on all that passion. Guess I could agree to that point a bit, it does get you thinking doesn't it? Bet you wish you were at our lunch :p.

We did agree that at some point in a woman's life she may want an older man because he's more experienced and really she's tired of the bullshit younger men put her through. Even if older men are safer, they know what they want, they know how to treat women right, right? (atleast that's what the movies lead us to believe, then again hollywood is far from the real world). It was a really interesting lunch, laughing and making plans about the future. But it left me thinking, is dating older guys really that safe? don't they have some passion left in them? Would you rather marry an older guy or just date one? Would you want a Carrie Bradshaw-Mr Big marriage? Do you think men cheat cause they are greedy?

Okay gotta get back to studying. Toodles,
x

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Confessions of a lost girl

I'm the last born, growing up I always had decisions made for me, by my parents or siblings and I sat back and watched them do just that. It was a system I didn't try to mess with because even if I tried to, well my efforts would have been futile. Now I've been handed the baton, given the power to make certain decisions for myself and here I find myself unable to exercise this power. Can you blame me for how easily I get stuck? I didn't have much room to make mistakes and learn from them; I made certain mistakes yes, and I learned from them.

Now here I am, grown and on the road to independence. And I have decisions to make, decisions that would affect me in the near future and in long terms and I'm simply lost. Now when I should know what I want and what I want to do, this is when I'm lost and hoping someone comes to my rescue. Hoping someone writes it out in black and white for me; perhaps a handwriting on the wall. No? I'm a big girl now, I shouldn't have to feel this way. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm drowning. I shouldn't feel scared. I shouldn't still  feel the need to have my hand held as I cross certain hurdles in life, yet that's exactly how I feel. And it sucks. I wish making decisions came easily to me like it does for specific people. Life would be so much easier *sigh*. I feel like this innocent girl who has been picked up from her disney world and thrown into the jungle that is the real world, with flooding lights and blaring horns, people chatting endlessly on phones and to each other, chaos, marching soldiers and there I am caught in the drama of it all; confused.

Nobody said it was easy 
No one ever said it would be this hard....


Love,
B

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

The Happy Playlist

You know those days when you just feel down and all you want to do is curl up in foetal position and listen to sad songs that match your mood and stay under your duvet? Well today should have been exactly like that but I decided to change my fate. Okay maybe not change my fate, I wasn't really having a good day and I called someone to make me feel better, but well that didn't work. I realise you're really your own bestfriend; no this is not a depressing post but honestly no one can love you better than yourself.

Anyways I almost let the negative voices in the head get the better part of me but then I decided to listen to songs that would cheer me up and then I thought, hey why not make a happy playlist that brightens your mood up? you know the kind that gets you singing into your hairbrush and doing silly dances round your room. Well here's mine, feel free to add or remove any song and I hope it works for you cause I'm currently singing and dancing with my head.

1) Diamonds- Rihanna
2) Pocketful of Sunshine- Natasha Beddingfield
3) Walking on Sunshine- Aly & AJ
4) Fireworks- Katy Perry
5) Gitchi Gitchi Goo- Phineas and Ferb (Don't even judge me for that)
6) Boyz- M.I.A
7) I feel Good- James Brown
8) That's not my name- The Ting Tings
9) I'm so excited- The Pointer Sisters
10) Proud Mary- Tina & Ike Turner
11) Can't touch this- Mc Hammer
12)  Wannabe- Spice Girls
14) Gettin' Jiggy With It- Will Smith
                                                                                                        15) Twist and Shout- Beatles

NOTE: This is just random numbering not in order of how good they are. Enjoy :)

Careful What You WIsh For

Just like every other daughter, I like asking my dad for things because well I'm daddy's girl (just kidding). But I do and it makes me a happy bunny when he gives me what I want. So earlier this year when I asked God for patience it was no surprise that He; my heavenly father was willing to give me exactly what I NEEDED.

Remember the title of this post is "Careful what you wish for" right? Well imagine my disappointment when I did not wake up the next morning feeling like a different person or the one after that and on and on. Instead what I got was a number of tests being sent my way to see if I could exercise patience. UGH! No No, God isn't omniscient for no reason, He wasn't just going to instal patience in me and move on like that, No, I had to earn it -_-. He decided to test me in order for me to learn how to be patient. And believe me this I was not ready for any of that (mentally). I would tell you what some of these tests were/are, but it's a bit too personal in some cases.

Has it been easy? No. I can't even tell you how many times I've been tempted to give up and lose it. Like run down the street screaming in people's faces or probably playing the psycho ex and smashing up the house but I can't and I won't. Patience like love is a very key principle in life, more so if you're a woman. That's how I see it. Because there are soo many things people go through in life that honestly if you just don't have the patience you won't survive them at all. At some point in our lives everyone's patience is gonna be tested, like it or not. And it's really a bonus if, when that day comes you're ready and prepared to not lose it but breath and stay calm.

Am I still being tested? hell yeah. Infact I am currently undergoing probably the hardest test so far and some days I just want to take back my words and go back to not being so patient. Unfortunately what's been said has been said and I must deal with the consequences. Needless to say I shall not be asking for more than I can handle from here on.  I guess all I'm trying to say is

Don't ask for patience if you're not willing to stand the test!


Keep Calm and Be Patient. Okay rambling over, it's time for bed.

Love,
B

Monday, 1 October 2012

In My Shoes

Let's reverse roles for a minute
Take a walk in my shoes
See if they fit
Feel how they hurt?
Well they are nothing compared to how much my heart bleeds for you
Why you hurt me so, I'll never know
Is it all a joke to you? I'll never know

Run a mile in my shoes
Tell me how that feels
When I kiss you and hurt you at the same time
Tell me if that feels good
Look you deep in your eyes
and take you swimming in an ocean of lies
and watch you drown with every deceit

How can you hold my hand
and lead me down the path to my own destruction?
So go on, why don't we dance in my shoes
It takes two to tango they say
Why don't I spin you around
Twirl you around in betrayal
Round and round till you break

Let's switch roles for a minute
Walk a mile in my shoes and
Maybe just maybe you'll get a taste of your own medicine.